Redefining My Identity

Have you ever realized while queuing at the supermarket or at the bank, that nobody around you looks like you?

For the longest time, I couldn’t notice that.
And I absolutely did not want to be aware of it.

Bluntly said, I was not aware of my blackness.

It was one of those things that was obvious for everyone but me.

For the majority of my childhood and teenage years, I had never considered that I could be anything else than white. Especially during my childhood, I feel like there was no real separation between who I wanted to be, and who I felt like I was. I was just a girl. Just Sonia.

Then I stepped into my teenage years, and things started to change.

Suddenly, I was not just a girl anymore but the appearance became more important.
My big, bold, and wild afro had no space in this new world.
My brown, soft skin was suddenly too dark for the new me.
And everything around me, was now turned into a question.

People started to ask me some very weird questions, that promptly planted the seed of self-doubt.

Why did I have afro, dry, and crispy hair instead of long, soft, and silky blond hair?
Why did I have 2 last names? And how do you pronounce that?

…And where are you really from?

I heard this question the first time when I was 10, and it never left. Every interaction was now all about my heritage, my skin, and my background.
People would stop me and start chatting with me just to finally get at the juicy question they could not wait to ask.

“Wow, your Italian is really good, where did you learn it?”
In school, I am Italian.

“Where are your parents from?”
My mum is from Italy

“Okay, but where are you really from?”
…

I never understood how a single piece of information could be so valuable to them.
And sadly, it wasn’t.

The moment I’d share about my background — about me being born and raised in Italy by a single mum while my father is black from Cameroon — everything else lost its importance.

I was not interesting anymore, I had fully satisfied their curiosity and they were ready to get on with their lives.

But it wasn’t the same for me.

I was left all vulnerable, with nothing but more questions about everything and myself.
And who to share them with?

I was too white for my black friends, and too black for my white friends.
My mixed questions had no place and time and I simply accepted that you could be either black or white, not both.

Plus, starting this conversation with white people felt like a brainwash every single time.

They were either trying to convince me I was just talking random bullshit, or would dismiss my worries under a “c’mon, your beautiful”

It is no surprise that I tried to suppress my black side, and started feeding my white part. I had white friends only, I straightened my hair with horrible chemicals and I surrounded myself with more and more white role models.

I was trying to push the black part of my identity deep in my subconscious so that it was easier to ignore and to avoid any kind of talk.
I’d move away from any conversation that included racism, pretend to enjoy racist jokes, and never really researched my origins.

When I discuss my struggles of acknowledging my identity, most people are lost. Even now.

“You are black, what do you need to acknowledge?”

I see identities as something way deeper and intrinsic than what we think.

Identities are not traits that were born with us, but it’s the meaning you give to these characteristics.
It is very hard to see, accept, and love part of yourself that never felt like yours. To not being at home in your own body.

But yet here I am. The best way to love something is to accept it. And the first step to accept it, is to understand it.
This is the whole reason behind this section in my blog.

I am committing in re-discover and learn a new aspect of my life, and it has to start with me. If I have a lifetime to spend with my body and with myself, I might as well enjoy the ride.

How powerful would it be, if we could share what being black means through our eyes?
If instead of educating and lecturing other people, we could let them in in our lives, share our struggles, fears, and joy, while raise awareness about our identities?
Our vulnerability and rawness are much more powerful than us teaching you about racism. You can walk in our shoes and learn about the emotional response your actions might have caused.

This is the idea behind “Identities”. A bi-weekly series where real humans will share real human stories.
Check our intro post to find out more about this project and, if you wanna write for us, check this post! We will be opening soon to other identities ❤