When I first started to think about this blog series, it all appeared overwhelming. Yes, I wanted to see myself with the eyes of a black girl, but at the same time, I was experiencing too many emotions, and was so hard to scan through them.
Who was I to start talking about this topic? I had no “mentor” or “guru” to look up for, and I had absolutely no anti-racist background. I was not an educator and I kept asking myself how other people would benefit from me sharing my story. On top of this, how many people are going through what I am going, and how would this make a difference?
This and much more was going on in my head at that time.
All I wanted to do was to empower myself and to be able to look at the mirror and see a black girl while being proud of myself at the same time.
I used to go back at my very first black identity story I had shared on Instagram a while back, and I could feel the power in every single word. That feeling of never belonging was deeply rooted inside of me, and I was legit struggling to find my way in this world.
Here below is what I wrote:
Am I really Black enough? (a.k.a. I’m having an identity crisis)
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Too many times, I am the only black girl in the room, and this made made me think a lot…
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Growing up in a white family and being surrounded by white people only, I never questioned my ethnicity and I was sure I was blending in.
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The thought of “being different” was super scary and every time someone brought that topic up, I was shying away or talking about something else.
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Things started to change once I moved abroad.
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Amsterdam was the most international city I’ve ever lived in, and I was meeting black and white people from all over the world.
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No one EVER questioned my identity or ethnicity, because of how mixed the population is in Amsterdam.
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You could easily meet black people from UK, Belgium, USA, Africa, The Netherlands itself, or Italy.
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It was absolutely delightful to be surrounded by so many different nationalities, that being Italian was something I became proud of, and I loved being part of the international community.
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Then, when I left Europe behind and started traveling again, things got messy one more time.
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People were, once again, asking a lot of questions and they were not satisfied with my answers.
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I got people telling me that “I wasn’t Italian for sure”, and wanted to know where I was really from; or taking for granted that I was joking about my nationality (like, WTF).
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This whole thing resulted in what I am feeling right now:
Is being half a country enough to be whole?
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If you are from mixed backgrounds, do you struggle with this too?
Or, if you have one nationality, does that make you “complete”?
And the question: “Is being half a country enough to be whole” was such a thoughtful question. Because I have always felt complete and whole until other people started to question that.
That feeling of never being enough was not rooted in me, but other people (read: complete strangers) planted the seed of self-doubt, even when no one asked for their opinion.
This was the painful part. My whole reality was destroyed and while these people would go on with their day and would start thinking about what to cook for dinner, I was there, lost in the most obscure corners of my mind, reconsidering all my life.
Dramatic? A bit.
But that’s how I felt.
Starting this series was overwhelming because of this, and because hiding in my mind was much easier than exposing all of this to the world. Much easier, but definitely more painful. And I was getting comfortable in my mind, too. I had built my go-to excuses, my I’m-shutting-you-down sentences, and I had no intention of leaving it.
Until I heard other people’s stories.
From one minute to another, my burden was almost lifted and the more I was opening up, the more I was listening.
This happened in the comments of that same Instagram post, in the DMs, via WhatsApp, and much more. But I had sparked something, and I was no alone anymore.
Sharing other people’s journeys was even more empowering than writing my own, and the feedback was (and still is) what warms my heart. We had people saying that they finally made peace with themselves, that their heart was finally open, and that putting all of these feelings on paper was truly liberating.
Liberating!
I thought it was only me, but others were lost in their minds too. And I might not have changed the world, but the world changed for someone, myself included.
This journey was so transformative, that one day it simply hit me: I am a black girl and I am proud AF. You can bet I am.
This series was the beginning of something big, and something bigger will come. We yet don’t know what is gonna be, but I am now open to share and receive. And I hope you are too.
How powerful would it be, if we could share what being black means through our eyes?
If instead of educating and lecturing other people, we could let them in in our lives, share our struggles, fears, and joy, while raise awareness about our identities?
Our vulnerability and rawness are much more powerful than us teaching you about racism. You can walk in our shoes and learn about the emotional response your actions might have caused.
This is the idea behind “Identities”. A bi-weekly series where real humans will share real human stories.
Check our intro post to find out more about this project and, if you wanna write for us, check this post! We will be opening soon to other identities ❤
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