Identities, racism and the future they hold from the perspective of a mother
I truly believe our identities can be tied to anything we feel connected to. So many people attribute their identity to their race, but I think it goes far beyond that. To me, my identity is a mixture of my background and the environment and reality I live in.
It’s a mixture of where my parents came from, where I find myself in the world now, and the places and experiences I’ve had in the past. It’s an accumulation of what has come before me, where I have been and where I am going.
Growing up, my race was never a point of focus. I have always known my dad is black from Trinidad and Tobago and my mom is white from the USA, but it was never a huge deal. The fact that I was brought up in a Latin American, predominantly Spanish-speaking country is what I identify with most. The area I grew up in Costa Rica is very multicultural and multi-racial. The pride to express myself comes from being from the province of Limon more than anything else.
I am Costa Rican and I am black and white.
Honestly, what has stood out to me more than my race, is the scarring on my face. When I was in my mother’s womb, lupus antibodies attacked my skin and left scarring there. Because of this, I’ve always felt the need to represent and assert myself strongly. Ever since I was little, people have asked me if I was burned or had acid thrown on my face and this has forced me to build a defense mechanism in order to cope with the scrutiny.
There was this psychological preparation I underwent and I became very defensive and self-aware. Your face is the first thing people see. Remember and I’ve learned the hard way how important image is in society. Whether it is scarring on your face or the color of your skin, others will form an opinion and run with it.
Without a doubt, my scars have become a part of my identity just as much as my race has.
As far as race and racism go, I truly believe that the experience depends heavily on where you live in the world. The six years that I lived in Los Angeles, California from ages 10-16, shaped me in a different way. Even though people immediately assumed I was mixed with black, I never felt pressure from the black community to identify with them because there simply weren’t many black people around.
The San Fernando Valley has a heavy Latin American community and the experiences of shock mostly came from others learning I speak Spanish and am from Costa Rica because I do not look like your stereotypical Latina.
Race became more of a thing when I moved back to Costa Rica at 16 and I was made fun of because my Spanish was rusty and I sounded like a gringa (foreigner, white American in this case).
I didn’t know the lingo or wasn’t aware of what was cool or in style. When I went to college in the capital city of Costa Rica, I was surrounded by mostly light-skinned latinos and my race was more of a point of focus. They were low-key racist.
Being from the province of Limon, I got a lot of heat because back then, it was seen as the uneducated, ghetto, dangerous part of the country. It was a shock for me because it was the first time that people expected me to act and be a certain way because of the color of my skin and where I’m from.
They called me “La Del Ghetto” (From the Ghetto) and they joked that I carried a knife in my fro to stab people with. Racism disguised as humor.
I studied Biology in college and my classmates and I took a lot of tours around the country and after working all day, we’d party at night. Someone would put on reggae or dancehall music and my classmates would always expect me to break it down and dance in a way they thought black caribbean people are supposed to dance. I always refused to be their entertainment puppet.
As a mother, I hope my daughter will not encounter the ugly parts of society, but I know this is unavoidable. I do worry about the role racism will play in her life, depending on where she decides to live and settle down. I’m scared of the United States and its influence on the rest of the world because it carries so much pressure around labeling yourself and choosing a side.
Likewise, social media is always building itself around your thoughts or what you’re focused on and creates data around that. And while some of it can be educational, a lot of it can be harmful. You never really know where it’s coming from and how legit it is.
I am scared of what this means for my daughter and the influences and information she will be surrounded by. There is only so much I can shield her from and I won’t always be around to protect her. I can only hope that she is smart enough to be careful about what she absorbs and look inside of herself for the answers rather than what the world is telling her to feel or think. I want her to be proud of her heritage and where she is from.
Plus, I want my daughter to be proud of the black/indigenous/white blood that runs through her veins and be a representation of what it means to be a mixed person.
Yes, I am hopeful that younger generations are becoming more aware and are trying to change things. I think people are calling out racist behavior within their families and communities and no longer hiding from the effect of their words and actions. Change is coming but it won’t happen overnight. It will take time and effort. I truly hope my daughter can be a part of this movement that will bring healing and truth to the forefront so that future generations can live more peacefully and freely.
How powerful would it be, if we could share what being black means through our eyes?
If instead of educating and lecturing other people, we could let them in in our lives, share our struggles, fears, and joy, while raise awareness about our identities?
Our vulnerability and rawness are much more powerful than us teaching you about racism. You can walk in our shoes and learn about the emotional response your actions might have caused.
This is the idea behind “Identities”. A bi-weekly series where real humans will share real human stories.
Check our intro post to find out more about this project and, if you wanna write for us, check this post! We will be opening soon to other identities ❤
