Finding my purpose within this anti-racism movement and learning to embrace my identity

There’s been a lot of white-passing guilt circling around me for a while. I keep telling myself it’s because I am not doing enough to fix the erroneous and deep-seating issues in the world surrounding racism (and more.) But when I sit in front of a mirror and look at myself, I know it’s because I don’t think I am worthy of being black. 

Maybe it’s because of my white mother.

Maybe it’s because I talk like a valley girl.

Maybe it’s because I haven’t immersed myself fully in any black community.

Maybe it’s because in the past, I didn’t call out Uncle Asshole on his microaggressions.

Maybe it’s because as a child, I was never taught to be proud of my multi-racial background.

In fact, my race wasn’t ever a thing. At all. Sure, I knew my dad was black and my mom white. Sure, I could clearly tell my skin was darker or lighter than the person standing next to me. Sure, I knew racism was a thing that happened in the world and that I, on a small scale, was victimized by. 

But my black father never sat me down and said, “you are part black and part Carib Indian, be proud.”

To me, my race was a passing thought, like an interesting fact someone brought up and I thought about for a bit and then released, to be replaced by another passing thought. Just like wind filtering through the leaves of a tree. There it is and then it’s gone. 

The role I play in this wild fight for racial freedom is still blurry. I find myself unworthy of fully taking part at times because I do not feel black enough. But I realize two things:

My feelings of not being enough breach wider and deeper and bigger than my race. There is insecurity there, layered in heaviness. 

Because I cannot fully embody my blackness, my fight for racial freedom becomes incredibly selfish and selfless at the same time. 

Selfish in that there is ancestral trauma, identity, belongingness and self-esteem issues I need to heal within my blackness.

Selfless in that my whiteness bares the responsibility of listening, recognizing and taking action that means something.

So, where does that all lead? How can these opposing yet intricate parts of my being heal and create a real movement that feels substantial?

The answers are in the words.

Every single thing I write and every ounce of myself I pour into my writing (for Identities and otherwise,) tells a story. A story about where I’ve been, where I am and wherever the hell I’m going. A story of what I need to heal from my past, what I am discovering in my present and the impact I want to make moving forward into my future. 

There is rebellion in my words because I refuse to do things in any way that doesn’t feel authentic and true to my bones. 

There is rebellion in my words because I know they are my greatest power and through them, I can change the fucking world in my own little way.

I just want to surrender, let go and release the hold society has forced upon my soul.

The hold that tells me I need to fit into X, say Y and do Z.

The hold that tells me I need to be doing more in order to rest and find peace .

The hold that tells me I’m not good enough, just as I am, right here and right now. 

Fuck. That. Shit. 

I want to learn how to be proud of my blackness and aware of my whiteness.

I want to contribute to this fight in a way that feels real.

I want to put heart, soul and inspiration into every ounce of it. 

I want to write my truth, even if it’s scary as hell.

Pen poised, words flowing. This is just the beginning of a bigger movement. 

How powerful would it be, if we could share what being black means through our eyes?
If instead of educating and lecturing other people, we could let them in in our lives, share our struggles, fears, and joy, while raise awareness about our identities?
Our vulnerability and rawness are much more powerful than us teaching you about racism. You can walk in our shoes and learn about the emotional response your actions might have caused.

This is the idea behind “Identities”. A bi-weekly series where real humans will share real human stories.
Check our intro post to find out more about this project and, if you wanna write for us, check this post! We will be opening soon to other identities ❤